Break.

No. Not from work. From blog.

Found this really good paper, so I'm just going to sink into that and get the implementation done ASAP. Wish me luck :)

Medical Journals

It's time to go into the company that sort of funds my project, so I'm reading medical journals again.

It's interesting, I went into engineering instead of medicine because I can't stand biology, not to mention I thought 7 years in training is a wee bit too much. Here I am, my 7th year in university, still got another 2 year or so to go, reading medical journals as my research. I suppose sometimes you just don't know what would happen.

Life's funny like that.

/back to slaving and reading journals.

Come again??

This is just getting absurd. I suppose I don't need to state here that the rest of the world dislike America. I'm using the word dislike because "hate" is such a strong word, and there are definitely intelligent beings still trapped there, because sadly that's where the money and market is. Okay, enough intro, here's the story for today.

Instead of coding this morning, I decided to seek "inspiration" by checking slashdot. There was an interesting article on global warming and how we would reach "the point of no return" in ten years and catastrophic disaster would occur. (Link for the slashdot entry and article) Granted there is a chance that it might have been a bit over the top, but it's still a problem that needs to be acknowledge and to be seriously thinking about. And while I'm reading about people's opinion on the issue (hoping to catch a few academic to see their view on this) and then I read this gem.

For those of you who can't be bothered reading that (and I won't blame you because it's a load of crap), it's basically saying that people are only doing this to force people to side with the Kyoto Protocol to screw US over.

WTF?

Let's see: the treaty was there to stop CO2 emission, if US is as clean a country as the submitter claim to be, why should that screw US over? And you gotta love this golden comment:

Ironically, countries like US today tend to be moving away from an industrial production based economey that uses heavy environmental resources to an information based service one that tends to be more efficient. Kyoto would do allot to help dying industrial rellics lock in high prices to live a little longer, but nothing to promote such a service based economy or the environment.

Yes and that's why they outscource the heavy production side of business in Asia, because we all know so long as it's not produced in the country, it's not really the country's fault. They're still the one of biggest consumer last I checked anyway.

It's this sort of attitude that really gets me about some people in US. Wake up, there are actually more people on this planet.

A few good comments on that thread in respond to the Kyoto Protocol comment though. At least some people can think...

As for me, I'm going to try to figure out how I can do my little bit of saving the planet. Probably gonna take a long time though... but I'll manage...

Heat wave

Okay, maybe it's not really a "heat wave" as such. But it certainy has been ridiculously hot these few days. And it's kinda annoying, considering I'm still trying to found a sunscreen I'm not allergic to. That and I have tons of work waiting for me to do. Not to mention this stupi heat is headache inducing, which means it's even harder to think.

It's not all bad news I suppose. I'm actually enjoying the thing I'm doing now, which is refreshing. It's frustrating coding work but at least I dont' hate it, and it's A LOT more interesting than reading article and doing not much at all.

Anyway, All this time I'm still trying to find time to sketch and paint. Now THAT's a joke for you...

Sudden sense of isolation

I would've thought it's mainly a teenager thing, but it's not. It's just the fact that I just don't understand the rest of the world. Some people is just beyond my comprehension, especially those who just, I don't even know how to describe them, I won't really call them stupid, but dense in a way I guess. Close minded maybe.

There's a reason why engineers tend to have problem trying to fit in with the rest of the world, it's not that they don't have people skill or that they are boring. Most of my mates from engineering are really interesting people. Although what I do find is that engineers like to hang around with other engineers because they think alike, and it's this no nonsense sorta attitude. That doesn't mean we don't joke around, but when we organise things: we go the most direct way and actually "plan" and "organise" rather than chaotic throwing ideas. We also hate things that makes no logical sense, which, unfortunately, seems to be the main ingredient in this world.

Stupidity frustrates me. It's not like I want the whole world to be Einistein, but honestly, it doesn't hurt to think a bit, surely. But alas. I think the problem most engineer has with the rest of the world (and I suppose I'm feeling it a little too, if not a lot) is that we don't understand WHY they can't understand simple things. For some of us things are so bleedingly obvious that it can get frustrating to see why no one else gets it.

And then the isolation, self-induced as it may be, is there.

*sigh*

/at least some of my mates understand me. *sigh*

Rich people

Okay, I know it's hard to get this idea for some people, but some of us are actually quite broke. We can't afford to go overseas every year. Why the hell would anyone want to organised a group trip within friends to go overseas is beyond me: overseas trip aren't a group thing. Chances are people can't agree to go to one place, and it's bloody expensive that people can't afford to just "tag along" because everyone else is going. Research student don't have that much money. *sigh*

If a group of friends wants to go away, do something "normal" like somewhere within the friggin country. Once in a while it's okay if everyone can go away, but an overseas trip every year? What are you, Bill Gate? o_O

/sticking with conference trips

The Generation Gap?

I was going to go into uni for work today, only to find my office covered with holes because the constructions are still going on. So I decided to come back home to work.

BAD mistake.

I just finished lunch, and listened to dad going on and on about how Chinese soup can cure everything, how cheese make people hunch, how the rest of the world is slowly finding out the secret of Chinese medicine. Oh and that antibotic won't help anything, and the theory that my brother is ruined by antibotic. (what?)

It's not so much the whole "us Chinese know all" thing that annoys me, more of the stubborness to reject anything else that gets me. If there's one sort of people I can't stand it's people with a narrow mind, and even so sometimes I still have very interesting conversation with them because of the way they present their case and the ability of sitting down and listen to a logical rebuttal and carry on the conversation in a civilised manner. (Okay, so THAT doesn't happen too often) But the whole "Them white people don't know anything." or "Them white people aren't as cunning as us Chinese"... I mean, come on! If you think they're such low life don't send me to be educated by them then. And the thing is it's not like the arrogance is justified. It's not like he even know their culture or anything (well, he thinks he does).

*sigh*, of course being a Chinese it's like the single biggest sin to go against one's parents. So there I was, nodding, adding the occasional "uh-huh". I give up. I tried to talk some sense into him but it's a fruitless presuit. Really. He can think whatever he likes to think. So long as he would stop trying to get me to think like him I'll be fine.

I'm trapping myself in my study to work then.

Intermission

End of year/beginning of year has been a busy time for me: Starting from Christmas, there's New Year, then my birthday, and then there's the anniversary (:)), and then there's Chinese New Year sometimes soon (oh... excuse to buy new clothes too :P). It's kinda good, but distracting at the same time. As in I still feel like I'm on holiday. (Not that I'm ever really "on holiday" as such)

Allergy is slowly getting better, I suspect I better go back to uni soon too. And trying to get this implementation thingy sorted. Bleh.

In other news: I finally watched the Talented Mr Ripley last night. Very disturbing indeed. Then again for some bizaare reason people tend to side with Matt... I mean, Tom Ripley in the movie. I keep wondering why. I try very hard to actually figure out what in the movie actually justify for what he did, and I can't find anything. Besides the fact that he was played by Matt Damon. (and boy is he a good actor) At least in Catch Me If You Can Leo was a poor boy trying to make a living and he was supposed to be young and a teenager. Not that it justify what he did, but it at least made his character... well, someone who you can kinda side with I guess. But with Mr Ripley, it seems to me like at the very beginning he's trying to lie. He's very much just a chronic liar isn't it? But so much to the fact that there IS no Mr Ripley anymore. Really.

Oh, and I finally watched the Office. Yes it is brilliant.

Back to work I go...

The Allergies Saga Continues...

Firstly the lack of blog update: that was mainly due to me forcing myself to finish that literature review that I said I'd finish last week. It's finished, more or less. So that's good news.

Now, the day in the park I spent with Pete... well that back fired. I've had a record of allergic reaction with sunscreen, and sure enough, after a day with sunscreen on it's back again. The past two days (or three...) I've been spending times indoor, scratching. Not to mention the hives on my face. It's gone down a bit, but it's still itchy.

I finally got around to the chemist today, and the lady I bugged told me she has extactly the same problem, to the point that she can't wear any sunscreen. And once we got talking she said she's actually allergic to strawberries and chocolate too... just like me! Apparently strawberries and chocolate have a natural antihistamine in them and for some reason my body just reacts to it.

And I thought antihistamine is a good thing. Although, I AM using antihistamine to get this rash down. Hopefully it'll be down soon.

*yawn*... I thought the drug was non-drownsy too... but I'm just... strangely sleepy... *yawn*

Electron Blue

Yesterday was great. Weather was absolutely beautiful,
just like summer should be. Spent the day with Pete, and
I can't ask for a more perfect way to spend my birthday.
:)

Okay, mushy update aside, I'm back in uni today. There's
only two more section in my lit review to go. Well, four
really, counting the conclusion and abstract, which I
suppose is kinda important. I'm still hoping to finish
them this week. I won't hope for too much but well, I can
only try.

Kinda hungry now really, maybe I should go get some early
lunch soon.

Wishful thinking

Yes. I know I was going to finish my lit review last wekk. I didn't. I'm trying to finish it this week and even that is looking rather unlikely right now. Although on the bright side I've decided which papers I will focus on. Which buys me another week or so (since I was going to spend next week doing the decision bit).

So very sleepy today though. *yawn*...

(Un)productivity Report and GLAT

First: half the afternoon has gone and I still haven't done much. I looked up what PCA is about and realise I can't even remember what an eigenvalue is. *sigh*.

Then one thing lead to another, knowing my attention span of a ferret, I looked up the mathworld news, and saw the Google Labs Aptitude Test (GLAT for short) and thought it's a good idea to look at that. Okay, it was interesting. But boy does it bring back some bad memories. It just reminds me of the Maths Olympics question.

In a way, I always think that if it's not because my chronic laziness, and my ridiculously short attention span, I can probably get in. But most of the problems involve this thing called patience or at least invovle me sitting there and think in a coherent fashion. My mind just works. It doesn't work in a straight line (I'm blaming it on the fact that I'm, alas, a female) and it just wander around until I bump into something. I like testing situation, coz it's the only time it'll go into panic mode and then my head go into autopilot and everything just works so well. It works like a charm, and I don't have to think (well, I don't, my brain does. It's hard to explain).

Okay, think I was off track for a bit... Anyway, sometimes I hate the fact that I'm not a proper genius. No no don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I want to be smarter. But being in this inbetween state annoys the heck out of me. I know I'm not quite, how do I put this, normal I guess. But at the same time I'm not really quite a genius either, and it's the fact that I'm stuck here that annoys me from time to time, especially when I'm surrounded by people who WILL be considered as geniuses.

I guess it's good enough that I am smart enough to do what I'm doing, and occasionally make it sound like I know what I'm doing. It's a very odd sort of feeling really. I don't think I can deny the fact that I am clever, considering where all the evidence points to. But not quite clever enough to actually see into things clearly.

Sometimes I don't even know where to place myself on this continuum of cleverness. I've done IQ tests, and depending on which test you believe in, my IQ would be somewhere between 72 to 150. (Granted that only one test showed my IQ lower than 120, and to argue that I have a learning disability is somewhat absurd if you think about the fact that I got my first class honour without doing much work.)

Personally, I doubt my IQ is anywhere close to 150, else I don't have to look up eigenvalue and got confused, which eventually led to me reading the GLAT and wasted a good few hours. Most test points to around 130, and I suppose I should be glad about that. But sometimes, I really really wish I'm either, well, normal (and, like the rest of the population, won't find my stupid maths joke quite that funny), or actually be clever properly, so I can actaully understand all this stuff I'm suppose to understand and not quite be the dumpest in the group. This whole being stuck in "clever, but not quite clever enough" state really sucks.

Waiting for inspiration

Well, the lit review is very close to being finished. I just need to actually read the last couple papers, which is the least relevant and extremely dry and boring. *sigh*

The BBQ organising for the birthday thing is going pretty well. So that's pretty good.

Too lazy to write really. Ah well. *yawn*

Post Christmas Cramming

OK, the official holidays are over. Although technically I don't really have a holiday to start with, it's not liek I actually did work for the past two weeks or so. Besides the half-hearted attempt to get SOMETHING down on my lit review.

It's been a pretty good day today. I'm hoping to get 2 sub-sections done but I won't count on it. It's looking pretty good now anyway. I might be able to finish this by the end of the week even. Fingers crossed.

Life of a PhD student... nothing much happens really. :P

The "Nice Guy Finishes Last" Phenomenon

Brilliant article about nice guys at http://www.stwing.upenn.edu/~jenf/writing/rant04.html

It's an interesting phenomenon, and you can't really deny its existence. Although if you are hoping to look for an explaination of this phenomenon from this female, you're probably looking for it at the wrong place. What this entry is about though, is the hypothesis that the same hold true for girls too.

Face it: the most popular girls are the ones who, as discribed in the article, shamelessly flirts with the nice guy friends (or just about any other guys for that matter) and expect the guy to be okay with it because they are "just friends". The manipulative ones who whine about not nice guys out there and say things like "if only there are more guys like you" but never seriously consider asking them out. The ones who feed on attentions and never give out any in return. It may sound terrible but hey, it's true, they all happen to be the most popular ones. I got dumped for one or two of those before.

Meanwhile nice girls are having the same problesm the nice guys are having. Nice girls don't neccessarily spend time to make themselves look better. Track pants and tee is perfectly normal. Guys don't even notice them somehow, they're too plain. Guy friends would tell them that they are "one of the boys" and expect that to be a compliment. These are the ones who aren't attention seeker, and so they get almost no attention. They aren't manipulative, and don't go flirt with they male friends when they're most vulnerable. They're the girls who, sometimes, even the guys oversees them.

The world is kinda cruel in that sense. While the nice guys complains about girls treating them like dirt, sometimes it really isn't the girls fault. There are girls who don't treat guys like dirt, but the guys just see them as one of the guys. Whereas the nice girls, well maybe sometimes it is their fault to choose the jerks as best friends, and dream that one day he'd realise they've always been there for him and he would realise they're really the one for him.

Maybe they are just too scared of rejection, and the age old "I don't want to ruin the friendship" becasue, believe me, it does. And msot of the nice guys and girls who are afriad of rejection has probably been there. A lot of them just get stuck in the "best friends" stage, and dreaming that one day it'll magically get upgraded. Meanwhile the other party just uses the nice one as an ego booster, and a back-up plan.

Nice guys/girls (Maybe I should call them all NG) are vulnerable. Becasue they've been used and hurt too many times. Because people expect them to be okay with the teasing and joking about not being attached, and making rumours about romantic links between various people around the NG, and that hurts. The NGs are normally the epathetic and sensitive ones, and unfortunately the rest of the population, well, aren't. After being hurt and used too many times, the NGs get even more reserved, and the vicious cycle goes on.

I suppose I'm one of the lucky ones who actually find myself a fellow NG to get me out of that cycle. (Not saying that all my ex aren't NGs. After all possibly only a fellow NG would date another NG.) But all the NGs out there need to realise that victimising yourselves isn't going to get your anywhere. There are nice guys/girls around, just like yourselves. But if you like to chase after the ones who aren't all that nice, well, don't say I didn't warn you.

Off track for a while...

Okay, for the past two weeks, my productivity was zero. I've successfully done absolutely nothing for two weeks. ARGH!!! I need to get that literature review done SOMETIME you know. Family seems to have this illusion that family time is much more important, and since I'm already spending a lot of time outside the family, the rest of the time I'm at home. By the way did I mention that by "family time" I really meant playing mahjong? Because every Chinese knows that Mahjong is the easiest way to bond people.

I think I might just watch my brother play Soulcalibur 2 until I get dragged to mahjong. Hopefully I can start work soon...